[F] I (F45) had a secret affair for 8 months. It revitalized my sex life with my husband [PART V: Holding Pattern]
This continues my ongoing saga (begin at Part I here: https://old.reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/u33z2w/f_i_f45_had_a_secret_affair_for_8_months_it/). I'm doing this to explore and remember my own thoughts, feelings, responses and decisions. If you enjoy reading it, I'm thrilled.
The first thing I did after that first thrilling encounter at Keith’s place was go back on the pill. It meant that for the next week after the end of my period I insisted that Keith either pull out or wear a condom. So for that week we used the withdrawal method. This way has its own small benefits, but when we finally were able to stop using it safely, after another agonizing weekend apart, the excitement was overwhelming. On that day, when Keith announced that he was going to cum inside me, my immediate reaction was to cum.
And so began a pivotal period of my life. It’s a bit harder to tell stories about it because we quickly developed a kind of routine, though that word makes it sound less thrilling than it felt to experience it. But it’s harder to remember specific incidents or moments because apart from a weekend we got to spend at Keith’s parents’ farmhouse outside the city (without them around), the times we had together stop standing out individually, without the clearly memorable novelty of the first few visits to his apartment.
Anyway, over the next few months my trips to Keith’s place became a part of my regular life. It wasn’t every day, but it was more often than not on weekdays. After the first few weeks, when we were being very careful and I was still telling myself this was a one-time thing, I’d say we were doing it three times a week reliably, sometimes four. Scott assumed I was just staying late at work as I always had, and no one at work noticed any difference in my teaching. Did I feel bad? Well, yes, but only now and then, much less than I expected to be honest. The sex was just so fun, and so new. I hadn’t had much novelty in my life for years. I don’t just mean we were doing things that were new to me, though we were.
But what really felt new was being wanted so … so sincerely, so purely sexually. I don’t know if this makes sense, but there is a kind of restraint that comes with marriage, at least for me. When your whole life is entwined with someone else’s, it can be hard to express fully every thought and desire you have because it has consequences, or at least it can. There were things I felt I couldn’t do with Scott or say to him because there was so much more to our life than just sex. Sex was part of it of course, but there was so much else, that there have to be compromises. So there were aspects of my sexuality that I kept to myself, less to protect Scott than because I was shy or worried about repercussions. You can think our relationship was dishonest or repressed or whatever you want, but that’s the way it was and still is with us. I don’t think it’s a bad thing. It’s part of the cost of a close, loving relationship in my eyes.
The upshot was that those hidden aspects of my sexuality came out with Keith. Not because i liked him more or was more attracted to him, but because beyond sex we had almost nothing. I wasn’t even sure I really liked Keith that much, beyond the fact that he made me feel so good and gave me a chance to explore and renew my relationship to myself. Keith wasn’t especially smart or good at conversing, and his opinions were often conventional and superficial. I had to remind myself that I was probably the same at his age. I also found his lack of ambition a bit pathetic. On the other hand, I felt free with Keith. I felt able to ask or tell him to do something I wanted to my body, using the correct anatomical terms, which is something I felt too weird about doing with Scott. This is one reason why Scott and I had basically stopped trying new things so long ago.
I had never found a way to tell Scott I was curious about having him touch my bum, for example. I had no such trouble with Keith. He was happy to indulge. Turns out I didn’t think all that much of it. I never asked Keith to do it again, though I didn’t stop him when he sometimes went for it spontaneously. I never bothered introducing butt stuff into my relationship with Scott. But there were other things I tried with Keith that did end up enriching sex with my husband. Small, simple things like doggie style, which Scott and I had never gotten into doing, became a new favorite. Being with Keith also revived my ancient love of 69, which Scott and I used to do a lot in the old days but had stopped doing years before. It’s back in our regular repertoire.
There were some things that for me could only really happen outside the home. I’m not judging how other marriages work, but in mine there were certain things that are desirable but not with a spouse. I could tell Keith, but not Scott, that I was curious about certain things that I didn’t really want to try, but still found exciting, like having sex with two men, or with a stranger. Also, with Keith there was no weirdness if he asked for something I wasn’t into. I simply said no, and that was that. With him there was little risk of me being overly disturbed by whatever strange fetish he had, within reason obviously. I felt that with Scott it would be harder to just forget about it if he revealed some fantasy I was not at all into. And the knowledge of his request and my denial could have lasting effects, resentments and embarrassments. Nothing like that with Keith. When he asked me if I’d have a threesome with him and this girl he sometimes slept with (more on that situation later, because I didn’t learn about it for a few months), it was simple: I wasn’t interested and that was that. The same when he asked to film videos of us. No go, but no big deal: he asked, I said no, we moved on. If Scott had suggested the same thing it would have been a lot less straightforward, and probably super awkward. That’s what I mean about the difference between being fully communicative with someone like Keith versus with a spouse. And to be honest I was pretty receptive to trying out what Keith asked for. Not the threesome or the videos, but many other thighs. He liked me to display myself for him, which took some getting used to but soon showed me an exhibitionist side I never knew I had. He also helped me get over my shyness about speaking about sex and expressing my desires aloud. I’m able to share this story thanks to that encouragement.
Anyway, there was a period of months when Keith and I acted basically like a new couple, in the sense that we had lots and lots of really fun sex, while our lives otherwise stayed more or less the same as they were before. Nothing changed about my work, my home life, my parenting, apart from my sex life with Scott, which got more active and more expansive. Over time the guilt I had felt so intensely at the beginning, and the fear of getting caught, gradually fell away. It was hard to feel bad about so much good feeling, and besides there seemed to be no negative effect at all.
One thing I did feel I was missing was someone to confide in. Keith was big into talking about sex, he liked to talk about his desires and fantasies, he liked to plan ahead and tell me what he wanted to try, but he wasn’t a great listener. I didn’t think he’d understand or want to hear about what our affair was teaching me about myself, my needs and my emotions. Anyway I wanted someone who was uninvolved, someone who could listen with interest, maybe share my excitement about things, but not be judgmental. I couldn’t talk to my friends, who were also Scott’s friends. I didn’t think therapy was what I needed. It took me a long time to figure out how to work this out.
Earlier I mentioned the weekend Keith and I were able to get away together at his parents’ home in the country. I'll recount that trip in my next two or three installments. That weekend would give me a cluster of new experiences. It would turn to to be the highlight of our affair, and a major turning point.
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from Gonewild Stories https://www.reddit.com/r/gonewildstories/comments/u9k6nc/f_i_f45_had_a_secret_affair_for_8_months_it/
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